“Perfect” Kids

There is not ONE kid in my over 20 years of work with preteens and teenagers that I have ever encountered that is perfect.  NOT ONE. And I have worked with some downright amazing kids. The truth is NO kid (or human for that matter) is perfect. Even the best kids I’ve ever come in contact with all make mistakes.  And thank God for that. Because it is in those very mistakes that God can work in their lives in ways that I could never orchestrate. There’s no need for training if perfection has already been obtained.  However, over the years I have come across numerous adults (parents, teachers, coaches, etc.) who intentionally or unintentionally attempt to “make” the perfect kid. Whether by excusing a kids’ faults or completely denying those faults, what concerns me the most is that while we pretend (or allow the young people in our lives to pretend) that perfection is ever something that can be attained, we rob ourselves (and them) of an opportunity for meaningful growth.

In my own life, I have learned that it is IN the mistakes where I have experienced true growth and maturity.  In my work and as a parent, I have seen the same thing to be true for the children I come in contact with as well as my own children.  I’m so grateful that I have been able to walk through some of the mistakes they have made with them because I know it is in those situations that God can show up to help build THEIR faith story which every child desperately needs.  I have said over and over again to adults, who work with teens especially, that when our kids mess up (which they so will, probably time and time again) we should rejoice! Rejoice that God has revealed these issues so that you can work through them alongside that child while they are still under your roof, authority, and/or influence.  Notice I said walk alongside the child, NOT step in and completely fix the situation for the child. When I take complete control and fix it, I rob the young person of an essential learning experience.  

Imagine a horse and a horse trainer in the corral for their first training session together.  This particular horse is perfectly behaved and seemingly does everything that the trainer wants it to do, so the trainer decides this horse is perfect the way it is and needs no further training.  The trainer saddles up the horse and starts on his first ride outside of the safety of the corral. About ten seconds into the ride, the horse starts to freak out, bucking and neighing frantically.  It’s all the trainer can do to get the horse back inside the fences. His mistake becomes apparent that this horse needed an incredible amount of training before it could be released into the freedom of life outside the corral.

As parents, teachers, and youth workers, we are the “horse trainers” for our children.  While they are in the safety of the corral (aka our home, classroom, youth group), we want to take every opportunity (or mistake) to train them for the world that they will face before they will be  ready to tackle the freedom and frankly difficult culture we live in. Even the kids who seem like they have it all together need us – our wisdom, life experiences, encouragement, and correction, to manage life outside the corral.  Take advantage of those moments regardless of how uncomfortable they may be and regardless of what others may think. Whether the mistake is great or small, use it as an opportunity for God to chip away at the things in your kids that will pull them away from a closer relationship with the Lord.  

I most certainly learned this the hard way with my oldest son.  There were so many times in his junior high and high school years that God revealed things, and I would quickly jump in and either tell him what to do or fix it for him.  I did not understand why he would not just listen to me. If he would just take the steps that I was outlining for him, then his life would work out better. Didn’t he know that?  Unfortunately, I robbed him of some important opportunities to grow, and we went around some of the same mountains over and over again for years. While I thought my mama bear approach was the best thing for him, my interference not only inhibited his growth, but it also stifled his confidence in himself and his dependence on God.  This confidence and dependence are often built in times of difficulty through perseverance. If adults step in and take control (like I did so many times), the children do not have an opportunity to develop the resilience that is so necessary for adult life.  

Building resilience and perseverance in the face of difficult circumstances is part of the maturation process and necessary for success in adult life, and mistakes can be the best training opportunities to build that if we allow them!