“A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.”
Proverbs 17:17
How do we help our children foster healthy relationships in their lives – with us, friends, and other adults? This can be a difficult path to navigate as it can be a daunting task for us as adults, much less for children who lack some of the wisdom and experience necessary to do this well. Even with the challenges, relationships with other people are a key element of living healthy lives. God created us to connect with one another on deep levels. As human beings, we crave knowing others and being known by them as well. We were not meant to live as an island, but we were made to live in community. Because God knew the challenges that we would face in this arena, the Bible offers many examples of how to facilitate both healthy relationships. One healthy friendship in the Bible can be found in 1 Samuel 18-20 with the story of David and Jonathan. David had already been anointed king, but Saul, his predecessor, was still on the throne and became insanely jealous of David. Let’s face it…David was younger, more attractive, more charismatic, and a better soldier than Saul. What’s not to hate? Oh, yeah…and this guy has been anointed by God to take his job. Saul had it out for David. Enter Jonathan, Saul’s son, but David’s best friend.
Healthy Relationship Habits
In every relationship, common healthy habits should exist which are also portrayed in the relationship between David and Jonathan.
Love/Selflessness
“After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David. 2 From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn’t let him return home. 3 And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself.” 1 Samuel 18:1-3
In any healthy relationship, an essential foundation is a genuine selfless love for each other. Serving others and putting their needs above our own is pivotal in this process, but is not the example often shown in our modern culture. Throughout the story of David and Jonathan’s friendship, we see both men sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of the other as they strived to make sure that the other was protected. Do we do that for our friends? Step out of our comfort zone to meet the needs of those who we claim are our friends?
Honesty
Saul now urged his servants and his son Jonathan to assassinate David. But Jonathan, because of his strong affection for David, 2 told him what his father was planning. “Tomorrow morning,” he warned him, “you must find a hiding place out in the fields. 3 I’ll ask my father to go out there with me, and I’ll talk to him about you. Then I’ll tell you everything I can find out.” 1 Samuel 19:1-3
Even when it’s hard, honesty is a necessary component of any healthy relationship. Jonathan risked his own life by telling David the plans and schemes of Saul to protect David’s life. Even in difficult situations loving honesty is the best policy. Much less drama, hurt, conflict, and struggle will occur when honesty is the standard in a relationship.
Loyalty
3“Then David took an oath before Jonathan and said, “Your father knows perfectly well about our friendship, so he has said to himself, ‘I won’t tell Jonathan—why should I hurt him?’ But I swear to you that I am only a step away from death! I swear it by the Lord and by your own soul!”
4 “Tell me what I can do to help you,” Jonathan exclaimed.
5 David replied, “Tomorrow we celebrate the new moon festival. I’ve always eaten with the king on this occasion, but tomorrow I’ll hide in the field and stay there until the evening of the third day. 6 If your father asks where I am, tell him I asked permission to go home to Bethlehem for an annual family sacrifice. 7 If he says, ‘Fine!’ you will know all is well. But if he is angry and loses his temper, you will know he is determined to kill me. 8 Show me this loyalty as my sworn friend—for we made a solemn pact before the Lord—or kill me yourself if I have sinned against your father. But please don’t betray me to him!”
9 “Never!” Jonathan exclaimed. “You know that if I had the slightest notion my father was planning to kill you, I would tell you at once.” 1 Samuel 20:3-9
Loyalty is a lost virtue in our modern society. Loyalty is defined as a strong feeling of support or allegiance. Jonathan was extremely loyal to David, even disobeying his father, the King. But Jonathan knew that it was the right thing to do. He knew that David was anointed as the next king and that his father was not following God’s way. His loyalty was to David, but it was also to doing what was right. This standard in our friendships is so important.
Discernment
Let those who are wise understand these things. Let those with discernment listen carefully. The paths of the Lord are true and right, and righteous people live by walking in them. But in those paths sinners stumble and fall. Hosea 14:9
Lastly, navigating friendships is difficult and takes wisdom and discernment to do well. As we follow the paths that God has laid before us, it is important to recognize that God wants to guide us in this part of our life journey as well. Following Him is key to success in this area. He wants us to live in relationship with others, and we can trust Him to guide us well.
